This Sunday is Mother’s Day which is often seen as a day filled with love, appreciation, and celebration. But for many ex-boarders, it can be a complicated and painful reminder of a relationship marked by distance, resentment, and unresolved grief.

For those who were sent away to boarding school, writing the words “Thank you for being the best mum ever” may feel inauthentic. How do you express gratitude when the very person meant to nurture and protect you also made the choice to send you away? For some, there is lingering resentment—Why did she let this happen? For others, there is an emptiness, a sense of loss that can never fully be reclaimed.

And for those whose mothers are no longer here, Mother’s Day can carry another layer of grief—not only for the absence of a parent but for the relationship that was never fully formed. The missed teenage years, the lost moments of closeness, the conversations that never happened.

The Core Wounds of Separation

Boarding school creates a rupture in the mother-child bond, and for many, that rupture remains unresolved into adulthood. Being sent away often severs the early sense of emotional safety and attachment, sometimes in ways that are never fully repaired. A common internal conflict many ex-boarders experience is what Nick Duffell describes as the double bind—a painful paradox in which a child believes, If my mother loved me, she wouldn’t have sent me away… so there must be something unlovable about me. This deep-seated belief can lead to a lifelong struggle with self-worth.

Another painful reality is that, in many families and the boarding school culture, the expression of difficult emotions was discouraged. Children were often told to be grateful for their education, to not upset their mothers, and to suppress any feelings of sadness, anger, or homesickness. But this emotional repression does not simply disappear—it lingers beneath the surface, shaping relationships and self-perception long into adulthood.

For many ex-boarders, there is also an enduring sense of betrayal. Mothers are often seen as the ones who broke the natural maternal bond by sending their children away, even though fathers were often the driving force behind the decision. This perceived betrayal can lead to deep distrust of women and even a rejection of the feminine aspects of oneself.

How This Pain Manifests in Adulthood

The wounds of separation do not stay in childhood; they continue to play out in adult relationships. For many, the repressed anger toward their mother remains just below the surface, sometimes spilling out in unexpected ways. Some men unconsciously seek to escape this pain by choosing partners who are “foreign," avoiding any resemblance to their mother. Others may find themselves struggling with intimacy, never fully trusting that emotional closeness is safe.

For women, the betrayal can turn inward, manifesting as self-criticism, low self-worth, or struggles with body image and sexuality. Without a strong maternal role model, many ex-boarders enter adulthood with little guidance on how to embrace their own femininity or care for their emotional needs. This can be particularly painful when they become mothers themselves. Pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children can stir up a flood of emotions—grief for the mother they never truly connected with, anger at the maternal guidance they never received, and uncertainty about how to be the mother they never had.

Understanding Our Mothers and the Path to Repair

While the pain of separation is real and valid, healing often begins with understanding. This does not mean excusing or justifying what happened, but rather exploring the context in which these decisions were made. Many mothers of boarders had little say in the matter. Financially dependent on their husbands and raised in an era where obedience and self-sacrifice were expected of women, they often felt they had no choice but to comply. Some had been to boarding school themselves and, as a result, were emotionally detached from their own needs and those of their children, unconsciously repeating the cycle of trauma.

Repairing this relationship is not always easy, especially when anger, hurt, and defensiveness are present. For some, healing comes through honest conversations, where the mother is finally able to hear and acknowledge the impact of her choices. For others, healing is an internal process of grieving, self-understanding, and soothing oneself. In my groups I encourage members to write uncensored letters to their mothers expressing their feelings and what they wish to express.  If unable to say in person to their own mothers, being witnessed by others can be very powerful. 

Reflection Questions for you this Mother's Day. 

If this resonates with you, take some time to reflect on these questions:

• How has boarding school shaped your relationship with your mother?

• If you could say one thing to your mother, what would it be?

• What would repair look like for you—even if your mother is unwilling or unable to meet you there?

Mother’s Day can be a complex time for ex-boarders. If it brings up difficult emotions, know that many ex-boarders struggle with how they feel towards their mother, as a result of being sent away to boarding school and leaving home prematurely. 

 If you would like to find out more about working with me or taking part of one of my courses, please click on this link below. 

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