Gay boy.....
Jan 20, 2025
If we watch films such as "Another Country" and "If," it is clearly demonstrated how this "banter" begins when the boys are away at school and continues way past their final day at school. We have seen it played out loud and clearly in the House of Commons in recent years with characters such as Boris Johnson and David Cameron excelling at this learned behaviour.
One ex-boarder writes, "After spending six years in boarding school, comedy becomes a survival gene. The truth is, if you don’t laugh you’ll most likely cry. You’ll learn to laugh at your own misfortune."
So, why do many men who go to boarding school stay stuck in the same way of relating to each other as they did when they were 14 years old?
When boys are sent away to be brought up in an institution with other children their attachments with their family are broken. They then have to find a way to attach to the group and to prevent themselves from being bullied and to feel safe.
They may be fortunate enough to be talented at a sport which excels their status. For others they may exceed academically, or their looks may make them attractive to the girls.
However in that boarding house it is a dog eat dog world. Some boys work out quickly that the way to gain validation and friendships is at the expense of others. It may be that one day they say something amusing at the expense of another boy. He gets lots of laughs that gives him a sense of validation and encouragement to continue down that path. It makes him allies and he learns that this is a way to keep himself safe. Better to be the bully than be bullied.
Another boy may not say the cruel remarks himself, but stay on the sidelines. Better to be alongside the bully than be the vulnerable one out on his own and then vulnerable to attack.
I understand this behaviour. Growing up in this environment where you can’t go home at the end of the day, close your bedroom door and have the safety of your family home means that children develop a hyper vigilance and need to do whatever they can do in order to feel safe. With very little guidance and pastoral care, the boys make up their own rules of behaviour with teachers often turning a blind eye. Or even encouraging this power division between them.
What becomes doubly confusing for boys growing up in this single sex homophobic environment is that many boys' first experience of sexual activity is with another boy.
Understandable as hormones are raging and only other boys are available to each other. Boys who are deprived of love, tenderness and hugs from their parents will understandably seek it from another.
Yet….if discovered, they will be shamed for being “gay,” which is synonymous with being feminine, weak, pathetic. The opposite of the patriarchal alpha male that is positioned at these schools as the ideal way of being a man.
So, why do some men appear to stay stuck developmentally and not grow up when back together with each other?
When back in that group setting, it is as if they were back at school. The body remembers what is needed to do in order to get through those school days and that same protective strategy is brought out. Terrified to lose face, terrified to be the one who appears vulnerable. The small child with low self esteem hidden inside the grown up body. Terrified of being found out and seen. Regardless of them now being 50 years old.
Sometimes, cracks do appear in this defence of vulnerability and I have worked with men who have asked for support to break this way of relating to other men. Recognising that by putting their fellow peers down and using caustic humour in order to gain laughs at the expense of another needs to change. This takes a lot of courage to admit to. Acknowledging how lonely it can feel having friendships in which you cannot turn to for support when feeling vulnerable.
“How do I make friends?” I have been asked.
It took another man exploding in rage at his contemporaries after 30 years of continual put downs and gags at his expense, for him to realise these relationships were not healthy for him and he chose to walk away.
So, why did it take him 30 years post school to recognise this? Why is it so hard to walk away from these friendships that keep you stuck in a particular way of being and transport you back to your school days?
For many children, when their attachments are broken with their family, their friendships at school replace their family.
“Fellow boarders become brothers and the lifelong friendships that develop lead to endless possibilities beyond graduation.” Nudgee College Boarding School in Sydney proclaims on its website, (August 2024).
So even if men do recognise these relationships as being toxic for them, to end the friendship is like walking away from your family. Having been abandoned once by their biological family, to voluntarily estrange themselves from their replacement siblings can feel impossible.
If you do relate to this post personally, please take a moment to reflect and wonder how your friends really are doing. Middle aged men are more likely to die by suicide than any other age range. The emotional support is often left to their wives and girlfriends as it is usually only behind closed doors that they may feel able to show their more vulnerable parts.
What would it take to change this way of being with one another? From constant banter to offering support and care. How much richer could men's friendships and lives be?
So if you find yourself in a position in which your friend reaches out and tells you their marriage is over, a “Sorry to hear that, how are you doing?” may mean the world to him.
