Family Constellation work and how it helped me take better care of myself

Last Saturday I chose to spend the day with a group of strangers doing Family Constellation work.

This involved meeting in a village hall In Lewes in Sussex with 14 strangers and a facilitator. After we had acquainted with one another and agreed to boundaries and confidentiality, an issue holder is invited to the front to explain what issue it is that they wish to bring to the group today. 

The issue that I wanted to bring was how difficult I can find it to prioritise my self care, and wanted to explore this in the context of my ancestry in which many of my relatives went to boarding school. 

I chose people to represent my mother, father, grandparents and great grandparents on both sides. We were able to see clearly how in my paternal line, all the men had been sent to boarding school and in my maternal line, except for my mother, the women had all been sent away. A person was also asked to represent "Boarding School."

By visually seeing this acted out in front of me I was able to feel how significant it was that I come from a long line of children who were given to an institution to bring up.  How neglected they were and how difficult it was for them to be parents and therefore look after their own children adequately. There was an eerie stillness in the air which was commented on, and the death of the child state was acknowledged. In my male line, there is a significant repeated pattern of early deaths.  It is understood that Adverse Childhood Experiences are associated with an early death and it is now acknowledged that many children who go to boarding school score highly on the chart for Adverse Childhood Experiences. 

In the second part of the Constellation, I chose a woman to represent the young child part of me.  I then approached her and with some words suggested by the facilitator, I told her that I would take care of her.  I would brush her hair, I would feed her nutritious food, and that I loved her. This little girl (a grown woman) looked up at me with tears rolling down her face as I held her hands and hugged her. 

As well as acting out your own constellation, you are also asked throughout the day to take part in other's constellations which can have equally powerful effects.  Somehow you may be chosen to represent some whose story mirrors your own and you can receive huge healing as a result. 

It is an intense day and on Sunday I felt exhausted.  

On Monday I started to notice some tooth ache and by Tuesday morning I had booked into see an emergency dentist as I could no longer bear the pain.  As I sat in the dentist's chair and he asked me very calmly how well I looked after my teeth, I was struck by the coincidences of this situation.  I was sent away with antibiotics and a decision to be made as to whether to have my tooth extracted.  The pain I experienced for three days was intolerable and I spent those days dosed up on strong pain killers.  What I noticed during this time was how the noise stopped.  I could only do the bare necessities and that voice that pushed me to always do more, work more, be more had quietened. 

On Thursday I had arranged to go to a spa hotel with two friends for one of their birthdays.  When we arrived, we were told the spa was closed due to a fatality.  This is far from a regular occurance for me and was struck by how I had been thwarted from doing the self-care activity by someone dying in the pool. What message was that for me?  

Understandably tragic for the person and their family, however I found myself feeling angry about how that opportunity had been taken away from me as they did not offer any compensation. I found my voice, speaking to the manager and insisting on returning on another date to use their facilities.  

By Friday lunchtime, the antibiotics had kicked in and the pain had lifted.  I felt clear headed for the first time in 5 days. There was relief and yet part of me quite liked the cocoon that the painkillers and the tooth pain had given me. 

How much is any of this coincidence and how much is some energetic shift that has come because of the family constellation work. 

What I do know is that I now have a new fancy electric toothbrush, with a renewed endeavour to take care of myself and not put myself to the bottom of that pile. 

When I think back to my own routine at school for getting ready in the morning.  We had two showers and some wash basins shared between 20 of us. 15 minutes to get to breakfast. Who was there to check if I cleaned my teeth each morning or brushed my hair?  We lived by the sound of the bell and if you were late you were punished.  That was far more important to avoid than whether I took care of myself physically. I learned not to prioritise that.  As a grown woman I used to be perplexed by other women who spent time on their hair, make up and wellbeing. Positively sneering at them. 

I come from a line of women who did not have a mother overlooking their teeth brushing, their hair brushing and making sure they were warm enough before leaving the house. 

We need to be shown that these things matter and are important.  That we matter and are important. 

Someone in one of my groups last week commented on the realisation that this work isn't a quick fix.  She's right. These patterns of behaviour can be so ingrained as they are learnt as our brains are forming.

However, it is time to change this pattern, so that I can enjoy this next chapter of life rather than end up in an early grave like many of my family members.

If you are interested in Family Constellation work, I did it with Liz Sleeper who offers workshops in Sussex.

https://www.sussexconstellations.co.uk/