Being Sent to Coventry at Boarding School: The Hidden Wounds of Social Exclusion.

In my women's cohort this week, we heard how "Being Sent to Coventry" can be so damaging for young girls, and how the impact can be felt decades later. .

While the exact origin of this phrase is unclear, it is deemed to have originated during the Civil war when Royalist prisoners were allegedly sent to Coventry and the townspeople refused to speak to or interact with the prisoners, effectively shunning them.

It is known to be a form of social ostracism where an individual is deliberately ignored, shunned, and erased by their peers. At boarding school, this could last for days, weeks, or even months. One moment, you belonged; the next, you were invisible.

What It’s Like for Girls Who Were Sent to Coventry?

They experience complete social isolation, when other girls stop talking to them. They are ignored in dorms, classrooms, and common areas. If they speak, people act like they don’t exist. They may be laughed at, whispered about, or given silent looks of disapproval.  I have heard of many examples where the beds in the dormitories are used as weapons, either to block out other girls or in some cases even hiding them to give the impression the girl doesn't even exist. 

This is incredibly distressing and confusing for girls and often they don’t even know what they did “wrong.” The rules of exclusion are unspoken, making it impossible to fix and the girl may feel deep shame, self-doubt, and anxiety. They will often turn on themselves asking, "What did I do to deserve this?"

This can happen in a day school, but what makes this particularly traumatic at a boarding school is that you have no safe space.  At boarding school, you can’t escape, and you live with your tormentors. There is no home to retreat to at the end of the day and no parent to reassure you of your worth and to help you manage this. Children often fear that telling an adult may make things worth, causing further alienation.  Teachers may even ignore it, and in some cases enable it. 

This can cause a girl to become hypervigilant, terrified of saying or doing something to make it worse. She may beg for acceptance, doing whatever it takes to regain social standing. Alternatively, she may become numb, shutting down her emotions to survive.  She may even turn into a bully herself to avoid being the next target.

This experience can leave deep, lasting wounds.  After leaving school, fear of rejection and abandonment can linger.  This can cause social anxiety, people-pleasing behaviour, and difficulty trusting friendships. Some women avoid female friendships entirely, seeing them as dangerous. It can reinforce hyper-independence, as they believe they can't rely on anyone and causes low self esteem and self worth as they believe they are fundamentally unlikeable or too much.  

If this was your experience at school, recognise that it was not your fault.

It was a group control mechanism and not a reflection of your worth.  With a lack of pastoral care and parents, boarding schools can promote a "Lord of the Flies" scenario for girls as they are all jostling for position and a way to be safe. Whereas boys may be more prone to violence and physical bullying, some girls maintain their own safety by out cruelly casting out others.  

Comfort the young part of you who went through this and reassure them that this was not your fault.  

Being sent to Coventry at boarding school is a form of emotional cruelty, and the impact can last for decades.

 If this experience resonates with you, know that you are not alone and you can reclaim your voice, your worth, and your ability to connect with others in a safe, authentic way.

If you are interested in being part of my next cohort of women taking part in my "Healing beyond Boarding School," please sign up to the waiting list below.

Waiting List - Healing Beyond Boarding School for Women.