January Newsletter - New Year offerings
Jan 03, 2025
January 2025. Happy New Year!
The Christmas season is over.
This year I opted out altogether and woke up on Christmas Day in Goa in India. It is somewhere that has personal resonance with me and last Christmas I decided I would take my daughters with me to show them this place that meant a lot to me.
I was really struck by how discombobulating I found it returning to the UK and the cold weather, having left a different culture and climate. A woman brought it to my attention that this was how it felt for her every term for 10 years, being a Third Culture Kid. How much of a split life they have and how much adjustment is needed every time she left and returned. How a part of them gets left behind.
As we go into this New Year, I always try and take a moment to pause and reflect on the year gone by. I am very grateful to all of you whom I have worked with in various forms this year, the new connections I have made and the opportunities that have been created.
For years I felt shame about having gone to boarding school, fearing judgement for having done so, and equally judging others for going. Ironically, I now spend more time with ex-boarders than "normal" people, and realise that they are my "normal."
Do you enjoy giving and receiving gifts?
In discussion with other ex-boarders in my groups, I discovered I am not the only one who really struggles with both giving and receiving gifts. We wondered if it was to do with often having birthdays whilst at school,and have therefore created a defence against receiving so as not to feel disappointed if not.
I see on social media that people now link it to being an ADHD symptom and of being an introvert. There is even a term for it - Doronophobia. For me, it is about the attention and the expectation to show pleasure regardless of what the gift is. The older I have got, the harder I find this. Maybe a peril to authenticity. I am still happy to give and receive gifts, I just don't want to be seen opening them. Can you relate to this?
It can help to ask for what you want, so you know you will be pleased. Or to explain to the giver how difficult you find it to open gifts publically but that you are really grateful for the gift and look forward to opening it later.
New Year Offerings
In January, I am going to be starting another cohort of my "Healing Beyond Boarding School" course. For women only.
I have two free workshops on Sunday January 5th and Thursday January 9th for women who want to find out about how boarding school may have influenced their development. The first half will be a presentation in which I focus on how I see girl's identities being formed at school and how this impacts their behaviour as adults. There will then be a space for sharing and any Q+As about my course or anything else. Click on the link below for more information.
I am planning on doing a workshop this year for parents. I know how difficult it is for people to share their feelings with their parents, concerned they will upset them or they will receive defensive responses. I hope this will provide a forum for discussion and further conversations to be had.
Recommendations
A book I have been reading recently is called "Mating in Captivity," by Esther Peril, who is a relationship therapist. She has a podcast as well which you may find helpful. Many of my clients have difficulties with sexual intimacy with their partners. Esther states that it is difficult to desire your partner when you spend so much time together. She advocates that there needs to be some separation between the couple for them to sexually desire one another.
I see this difficulty arise often with my clients as we often seek a partner to fulfil our attachment needs. However, she argues that sexual desire needs something different. Many of my clients feel guilty for not feeling this way towards their partner, and I found Esther's take on this enlightening and she offers practical ways to do things differently without blaming a partner for feeling this way.
Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel.
Goa
I went on my own to Patnem in South Goa in 2018, after a particularly difficult few years as I needed a space far away to consolidate all that had occurred. I returned feeling more centred and grounded than I had for a long time. I guess as the cliche goes - I found myself in India....
This time I wanted to share this special place with my daughters, and I was surprised to find that it hadn't changed at all. Northern Goa is different, but if you can find your way to the beaches much further south, it has a very gentle pace.
We stayed in Cuba Patnem bungalows - which the girls loved. Basic bungalows that opened out onto the beach that we shared with cows, dogs, fishermen and tourists. My youngest described Patnem as magical.
We then moved inland and stayed with a family on their homestay on a river, where I had also stayed before. It was lovely to reconnect with them and share the beauty of sunrise kayaking and rural village life with the girls.
So revived, nourished and rested I am looking forward to this year ahead and seeing all that it brings. I wish you a year ahead that brings you some moments of joy.
Warm wishes,
Amelia.
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